What one dad really thinks about Mother’s Day
Who needs breakfast in bed? The very brave Pat Fitzpatrick explains why he thinks Mother’s Day should be abandoned altogether.
Here’s something they don’t tell first-time Dads. You end up with two mothers.
The first one is Mum, the lady you bring out for dinner on Mother’s Day against her will. (Please, I don’t want any fuss, says she, ordering a second dessert.)
The second mother is Mom, your partner or wife, who pushed out a child while you asked if she wanted another glass of water. Let’s just say you’ll be paying that one back for a while.
A good time to start that payback would be her first Mother’s Day as Mom.
Except no one told you (me) that you’re it on the flowers and chocolates front for a while.
I’d like to say my 10-month-old daughter could have done more here, it’s her mother really. But that’s another day’s work.
Let’s just say I had to buy a doghouse and get into it for a couple of weeks. I won’t be caught again.
So, this year, I’ll sit down with the kids and write the cards, vase the flowers and all that.
But you know what, my heart won’t be in it. My problem with Mother’s Day starts with Father’s Day.
You can tell the difference between the two, based on the stuff they get into Aldi and Lidl. Mother’s Day is all about chocolates, flowers, treats. Mom is doing great work, she deserves a break.
Father’s Day is all about novelty socks and dopey mugs. Dad’s an eejit, let’s all have a laugh at him.
The modern Irish father is like something you’d get if you crossed Homer Simpson with Daddy Pig, and dropped him on his head.
Don’t get me wrong. Men are prone to acting the eejit. It’s kind of our main thing when it comes to attracting women.
It’s also our go-to mode when something goes wrong in the house. (Freda cut her finger, but it’s ok because Dad is pretending to be a gorilla.)
But we’re deadly serious when it comes being a decent Dad. And that isn’t reflected in the Mother’s Day vs Father’s Day, as things stand. Here’s my solution.
Drop the two of them completely. This would be good for news everyone except Hallmark and the army of small children in China that works around the clock making novelty socks.
Let’s face it, Mother’s Day belongs to the past.
It’s the relic of a golden era for blokes, when our forefathers somehow persuaded our foremothers to stay at home with the kids, while they were out at work, or maybe just listening to a match in the car.
And what did the women get in return? Breakfast in bed once a year, served with a bunch of flowers from the petrol station.
You have to say, it was a sweet deal for generations of men. And this current generation is the one left holding the bill.
Life has changed dramatically since I left home in 1989. Men aren’t invisible on the home front anymore.
That’s mainly because we stay living the single life, well into our 30s.
So if we didn’t know how to clean and cook for ourselves, we’d never get a partner, what with smelling like a farmyard and sporting man-boobs down to our knees.
We are the most domesticated generation of men in history. There’s even talk of a fella in Kildare who knows what should go into a wool wash.
With more men going the stay at home dad route, it’s time to recognise that Mom isn’t the only parent in town.
Some people have tried to address this by renaming Mother’s Day as Mothering Sunday.
Sorry, but Mothering Sunday sounds like a curse. Mothering Sunday says you, trying to avoid saying ‘shut the f**k up!’ in front of the kids.
Let’s just get rid of Mother’s Day altogether. (You can do the same for Father’s Day. We’re good for novelty socks, trust me.)
I can’t imagine any man crying into his pint over this. And I’ve never come across a woman who likes breakfast in bed.
If you women out there yearn for something more imaginative, here’s what we know about overly romantic men who make a lot of effort on the celebration front.
They all have a mistress in Clonmel. (You won’t see this in any official statistics.) So be careful what you wish for.
Finally, a word for my own mother. I will still bring you for dinner at least once a year, and you can have as many desserts as you like.
Particularly if you could stop calling me ‘Missus’ because I do now my share of the washing and cleaning at home. There’s no need to be so bitter.
What you need to do for your partner on Mother’s Day:
- Get up without waking her and take the kids away for a week. Anything else will end in disappointment.
- If that’s not an option, you’ll need a two-chocolate strategy. That’s a box of something light to take her up to 3pm and the full Milk Tray for when the kids are in bed. If either of these looks like the non-standard sizes you get in Dealz, you’re toast. If they are clearly part of a multi-pack, you’ll spend the whole day batting back questions you probably don’t want to answer.
What you need to do for your mother on Mother’s Day:
- Persuade her that she’ll always be the number one woman in your life. Don’t get caught doing this by your partner.
What men would really like for Father’s Day.
- No socks.
- No mugs.
- A free pass to watch a match of our choice.
- Some more Sex.
- Look, we never said we were complicated.